Life is Good!!!

I would say I have spent all and I mean all my life living for someday! I can honestly say since I was six years old and my baby brother was born (on my birthday) I have only wanted to be a mother. This knowledge only makes my situation in life so wrong. I remember hearing a story about a girl she was so goal oriented and she did everything exactly as she planned. She graduated from high school went to college served a mission and got married at the exact age she planned. This girl has haunted me for the past oh 10 years. I was never that ambitious. I never wanted to go to college, in high school I planned on being trained as a dental assistant and hoped that would sustain me till marriage. I never wanted to serve a mission because only girls who weren’t cute enough to be married by 21 did that but when I was 19 the Lord spoke to me and I knew a mission was in my future. I was not gonna be old like my mom (sorry mom) and not get married till I was 27 I was gonna be married at 21 at the latest so I could started popping out those babies I had dreamed about for so long. Baby names have been a favorite, hobby I guess you could say of mine and I bet there have been over 100 names I have loved, easy! I wanted 10 kids for the longest time.

So why this pitty party? Well I am done I can’t focus on any of this any longer and I cannot plan a future with so many uncertainties. I can only live for right now, today!

Every week I go through the same cycle with Al and he is clueless. I am so oh so very happy with what is happening between us and it hasn’t been rushed for the past 5 months and it doesn’t need to be rushed now. I freak out over wanting a boyfriend, a fiancé a husband but I cannot make that happen. It hasn’t worked for the past 12 years why would it work now. Worrying over it only hurts me and maybe could hurt what we have. I am so very grateful I never pushed him any more than I did. So many times I wanted to have a DTR with him which I believe would have been so very foolish.

Last night I think was one of our best runs. We ran around 7 miles and we had a great pace! Around mile 5 or 6 we ran sprints! Ow my butt hurt!!!! Lol! There has been a change in him and I like it. I think it was ever since I gave him my homemade card which I neglected to tell you all about. Mostly because it wasn’t my idea I stole it from gorgeous cousin Betty. She made a card for her husband on Valentine’s day she had printed a photo of a cartoon atronaut and cut out a picture of her face and glued it on then drew a picture of the moon and said “ I am over the moon for you” so cute! So when Al got his new job I did the same but wrote “ I am over the moon with excitement for you and your new job”. I was all shy when I gave it too him I have never given a guy something like that. But as we started our run last week he was telling me he was nervous and second guessing his decision but that he had talked to his friend and work and that made him feel better then I gave him that card and he just feels great now….awww well after that it started looking out for me more on our run and taking care of me. For the 7 mile run we actually run under the freeway now and it is kinda dark he was like are you sure you want to run there it is kinda shady. He wanted to be sure I was comfortable. Then this other part it is a hill we have to go down and it is covered with rocks, rocks that move. Now when we go he holds my hand and helps me down, didn’t do that before. Then we ran across a bridge and ran closest to the cars to protect me and this week I had gotten a pedicure and when my old nail polish was removed I discovered my poor toes are black and blue under the nails! So when we ran down the mountain he wanted to walk to protect my toes. Any ways point is he is taking care of me and it is the sweetest. I am a little more vocal with the praise and letting him know what I like about him but he shows how he feels by these little acts of kindness.

Okay so we ran but my favorite part was on the mountain we had been up there a while watching the city life below. Oh how I love the city and I never thought I would say this but I adore the city I live in today (long story). Any ways he was freezing poor boy is skin and bones (must be rough) but I was perfectly fine. We watched the planes land and chatted then he sat next to me but kinda in front of me if that makes sense and I rested my chin his shoulder and put my arms around him and we just sat and listened to the city and the mountain. It was the most beautiful few minutes of my life. No talking, none was needed just closeness and pure bliss.

So how can I freak out? Life is so good! We have two dates already set up and I am sure there will be more in between.  Life is good….did I say that already lolz!