It is amazing how in an instant your perspective on something or someone can change. Today I finally found an obituary for Dylan which was a huge relief. He did pass away on May 1st and the memorial is tomorrow in Florida. So as I am reading and agreeing with everything said it gets to the part of those he left behind on this earth…
He has two kids
How on earth did I not know this. He and I had some deep conversations even on our first date. One night on our lunch break he told me a story he said he had never told anyone. He said he felt so comfortable with me and just wanted to tell me but he couldn’t tell me that? Seriously when I read it my stomach just sunk and it hurt bad.
Of course I just want to brush that knowledge aside and just remember the Dylan I knew and loved but ugh I feel so lied too. I can’t shake it. I look at his picture now and think what else didn’t you tell me? Not that he had to tell me anything! I know I should just focus on the Dylan I knew but it is not going well.
This weekend has been one of the hardest weekends of my life. Thursday night after I found out I barely slept and eating is just a chore that hurts my stomach. My contacts are fogged over from the salt from my tears and I am sure my neighbors are wondering who is dying with all the wailing I am sure they have heard. But now I am mad and I really do not want to be.
I just want to go forward with what I had planned and that is taking his name to the temple. It is interesting how our relationship hopefully prepared him for the other side. I like to think that once he crossed over and hugged his Grandma and Grandpa and other friends who preceded him in death that he looked around and said “Aw snap Madison was right!”
So he and I met last October in a math class. He sat on the other side of the room facing me. His smile was to die for and I was immediately attracted to his sense of humor and enthusiasm. One night we talked about when we first met and he said that I just kept smiling at him and he just couldn’t stop looking at me. It was the third week when he finally came and sat by me and immediately we started talking about the church I don’t remember why. Others around us joined in the conversation. Dylan was half black this was right after conference when there was something going around about Elder Packer’s talk and people thinking he said whites couldn’t marry blacks…I don’t know when he mentioned it I was lost. But my favorite is this other guy that was talking to us said “what would happen if you went and had a drink with now?” He was shocked by my answer of nothing I laughed and explained that we are not kicked out for every infraction we have repentance we are human and make mistakes but we are not thrown into the streets and abandon for our sins. It made me laugh. Dylan and I continued our conversation on our lunch and he even wrote me a note telling me how impressed he was for being able to remain a virgin for so long and encouraged me not to settle. (Oh boys!)
That night I emailed him the talk that he had heard was so offensive but obviously only when taken out of context. I told him if he ever had any questions please ask. He emailed me back and said it was crazy he was totally going to email me as well. He said “you possess a strength that I have never seen in anyone I have come across in my journey here on this earth” I think that was the biggest compliment I have ever received. He then asked me out for that weekend. We met at a park that was in between our homes and just walked around and the sat and just talked it was lovely.
I know this is long and it is going to have to be continued another time….
