in 18 minutes...

So it is tooo darn cold to go running tonight. I think all would agree. Last time Al and I ran and it was below 60 I developed a chest cold so 29 degrees is too cold peeps! So Al suggested a movie! He is coming over in oh 18 minutes (I’m not watching the clock or anything) which meant I had to straighten this place up and move the tv out to the living room. Luckily the new tv I won at work is pretty light! So I am excited but also trying to not think about it…

Honesty

So Monday and Tuesday Ross and I texted quite a bit but on Tuesday afternoon he said “hey I have a meeting I’ll be back in a hour and a half” but he never text me back. That night I noticed he did view my profile again on the singles site. I thought that was kinda odd. So today, Thursday, he texts me and says “Hey Madison-Sorry I’ve been out of touch.” So I said “oh no worries I know you have been sick and probably busy. How are you feeling now? Did you make it to the doctor? “ Then he sends me this…

“I want to be upfront with you- I just started seeing someone and so that is why I have been out of touch. I really enjoyed meeting you  and I think you are really easy to talk to (just what every girl wants to hear) so I sincerely hope that we can remain friends (as if). I just don’t want to be misleading either. Sorry if this is awkward or blunt but I thought you deserved to know.”

So first of all whoo hoo that is all a girl want is for a guy to not just stop talking to her but giver her closure and I really do appreciate that he sent me that but….yes there is always a but! He lied to me he said he was sick but in reality he was just busy and the fact that he looked at my profile again makes me sick like he was comparing our pictures and resumes to decide who he wanted to date. Ewww! Of course I know it all part of the process I just don’t want to be aware of it like that…ya know? Whatever!

So then there is Al now I know I have said I would be done with him and I wanted to tell him I was through so you may be shocked to know I have not done those things. Apparently I am a lot of talk which let’s be honest I know is true.

So I didn’t see Al for 3 weeks! Kinda crazy but I feel like he really missed me. Not enough for anything more than our runs to happen but whatever. So last night we had the most romantic run! I wish he could see it like I did or maybe he does I don’t know. We have had early morning runs, a run from his place to the temple to see the sun coming up and runs around the manmade lake that is gorgeous at night. Last night was around the lake it was spectacular! There are multiple large bridges that cross the lake and as you are running towards one of them the lights just dance across the water. It is so picturesque I love it. When the wind is blowing it looks all pixilated it is awesome! Then for the first time we ran over the bridge which has the gorgeous string of light bulbs swooping across the bridge. I have decided I want to be propsed to on the bridge I just love it so much. So we run over the bridge laughing and talking the whole way. Then we get to this mountain and that we had set out to run to the top of! I fell pretty hard before we even got to the hard part. I was behind him and and as he was telling me there was some wire on the ground I hit and took a narly fall. Got some scratches and bruises to show for it! Any ways it was a hard mountain to run very, VERY steep he got behind me and pushed me to the top. I couldn’t have done it without him. At the very top we stood for probably 10 minutes and just looked at the gorgeous city lights. Talked about different place and watched a plane land. Arg he should have kissed me and it would have been perfect!

So we will run it again next week. Every Wednesday is the plan. I know I just need ot be patient and let it happen if it may.

I am out of men for the time being which always makes me sad cuz where oh where will I meet one next? I need to focus on me and keep with my work outs and now I have school 2 nights a week just gotta keep busy and focused.

I want you to want me.....

I hate being a girl! I want to be in charge I want to make this relationship go where I want it to go! Why must I be stuck waiting at their mercy? I know all what I should do but I don’t like any of that crap! I want it now! I need a relationship that happens fast because when it is slow I think too much I probably text too much and I cry too much!

I just…….

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'?
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.
I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'?
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.

I hope this isn't just ramblings.....

So I know I took a little break from blogging but I am back! So interesting story, I was feeling I was at the bottom of the barrel, men wise. There really seems to be no one in my ward they are all pretty young and I am starting to take the classes that are for my major in school and that means there are gonna be not a lot a men in there. A friend at work kept telling me to look online. I am very skeptical about that process I know who are usually on there but to appease her and since I had nothing else going I signed up. On this site you can do this kinda test thing to see what your values are and thought on all sorts of different aspects of life. Then when you look at someone’s profile can click on this box and it tells you how good of a match you are. Then you request to view their answers. I think I requested 2 or 3 and one granted my request the next day. Let’s call him…..hmm I haven’t thought about this….I think I am gonna go with Ross (from Friends). So Ross then asked if we could chat sometime so we set it up. He was cute he was impressed with the areas we agreed on and was interested in learning more. It was a nice chat and he asked for my number so we could go out but not for another week because he was going out of town. Seriously I am always waiting two weeks for these dates it is crazy. So the week of the the date he texted me and we made plans for Saturday night. He chose a restaurant that I had been wanting to try and I think is ind of obscure so that impressed me.

Meanwhile a guy at work told me he wanted to take me out he had seen me on a date with Al and I think that sparked the interest. He asked me about Al and I said oh that is over and he immediately said well I want to take you out. He asked me out for Saturday as well but that of course couldn’t work. We decided to go to dinner after going to the yoga class offered at our gym. My friend at work teased me oh another work out buddy another best friend and he was right. The date was great but he is not a member of the church and he recognized it would not work since he has no desire to convert. It is hard I want to just so from now on only members but my cousin and close friend married a convert so it can happen. I can’t just write them off.

So Saturday comes oh and I forgot to say only my sister Kristen and the woman from work knew about this date and that I had been online. My sister Chrissy guessed it and Cate was shocked when I told her but I was trying to do something different than I normally would. Normally I would have talked to everyone about the up coming date and analyzed everything. So I didn’t tell anyone. Any ways Friday he called me and we chatted just about the logistics. Saturday oh I wanted to wear this cute outfit but I had never gotten around to hand washing the stupid blouse and then I bought some new jeans and they wouldn’t button (pretty sure I was bloated) so I was not happy with my outfit choices and in the end regretted what I wore I knew it was a bit too casual but oh well. So we met at this cool pub kinda restaurant he looked so nice in his suede sports jacket and was even better looking than his pictures. I smiled all through dinner I had a great time. We talked about family and  work and friends it was great! After that we went the movies we saw True Grit which is a great movie! We really do have a lot in common when it comes to likes and dislike. He gave me a hug at my car and said that he would be in touch. He texted me Sunday and said it was good to meet me in person and he had a great time and hoped I did too. Yesterday we texted a bit and he said he hoped we would chat again soon. So this is where we are at. I was really hoping for a phone call tonight but ugh nothing.

Also this weekend a friend asked me if she could set me up with someone and another friend just gave my number to her sister in law to give to a single doctor oo la la! So there are more opportunities out there I just need to keep that in mind.

Update! I haven’t seen Al in 2 weeks I went out of town one weekend and the other weekend I was sick but he texted me something about not having seen me in a while. So I didn’t answer him. My plan was to see him later and be like oh ya I saw your text but I was on a date (which I was) but then I wasn’t at church Sunday so I felt bad…I know I am too nice so I texted him and we chatted and I had mentioned I was stressed with school and he said well I have ice cream when you need it….awww. So that is where we are…no where basically.

My focus right now is a hour and a half at the gym 5 days a week that is what I care about :)

Goodbye 2010

I know I have been pretty quiet the past few days…been doing a lot of thinking and really haven’t come up with any new ideas, well at least none I want to share lol. So let’s see Al and I didn’t talk all Christmas weekend till we saw each other at church on Sunday and he was as cute as ever. I was annoyed I felt ignored but whatever. I decided I really wanted to talk to him to just end my misery at first I thought maybe this would just be what he needed. He just needs a little help right?

So I texted him after church and asked if we could talk before he goes to his parents or after but I really wanted to do it in person. He texted me back and said, it would have to be after he just got to his parents and then asked or could it wait till Tuesday when we ran together cuz he didn’t know how late he would be at his parents. I was kinda hurt by this. I mean really why didn’t I think of waiting till Tuesday??? Ugh! SO I just never texted him back.

Tuesday I was super nervous because I obviously knew he didn’t want to talk and I just took it as his answer which I don’t know if that is right or wrong but I decided to go a different way. So on our painful run up a mountain…yes a real mountain I decided to talk about the walls I somehow built around me. When I was 8 my grandpa who I thought was so great. He was fun and loving and gave me cool gifts and I just loved being around him went to jail for luring some neighborhood girls into his house they escaped before anything happened thank goodness but he went to jail. I was told about this when I was 11. I think even at 8 it changed my world my family was never touchy at all and I am sure it is from this. I dreaded having to go to any function where afterwards it was expected to hug my parents like graduation or any award ceremony just because I did not want to have to hug them…the hugging thing has gotten better with me but I do not initiate hugs with most people other than family now and Cate.

I wanted Al to know this because there was a night he came over, put his stuff down and we were talking and I could feel he wanted to hug but I had this wall up and it did not happen. It was the weirdest thing I actually could see the wall. Any ways we talked about that and the book the 5 love languages a bit. It was a good conversation. I don’t know if it helped any but felt much better afterwards.

Cate was disappointed I just didn’t have the other talk with him but I really felt it wouldn’t have been effective in the way O wanted so I guess I just have to deal with us just being friends for now. I am not giving up on the idea of us being more I just think he may need more time. He is kinda slow!

On our run we talked about wedding presents and he said that he wouldn’t want gift he would rather just donate them to the less fortunate. He also said but that would never happen because no girl would agree to that.

The next day I was thinking about it and first got a little offended he would generalize so much. Of course there are girls that would so that. So I texted him last night and told him that. He was surprised I was thinking about it. I told him that is something I would totally do and I think other woman would as well especially if their man wanted I think that is so cool he would even think of that. He said I was the first girl that has ever said they would do that. I said well I am a pretty giving girl; I have chopped off my beloved hair twice and donated it to Locks of Love! He said I have noticed that of you, btw the balloons you gave me two weeks ago are still flying high. Awww cute right? Any ways tonight I brought him a piece a cake by and we ended up watching Wild Hogs a silly silly movie but it was fun just being with him any ways. He texted me after I left and said “Thanks for staying and watching the movie it was nice.”

So who knows what 2011 will bring. I hope there is more of Al but I really have no clue. It is 11:09pm 2010 he is at a huge party and I am being stubborn and at home. I think I am maing a point but lets be honest I am not he has no idea I just wanted him to say “Hey Madison you should come. It will be fun” nope no invite, no go! I didn’t want to be disappointed there so I’ll just be disappointed at home. Lame I know!

Happy New Year!!!  

I’m sure you are wondering….

Ugh! The date was great but…..ya still in the same spot and have no idea what is going on and if there will be any more. I know you probably want more details but I am just so bummed I don’t even want to talk about it.

Feel the roller coaster of my life???

Sooo Al called me tonight…we chatted for a bit about our day and then he said …”so lights tomorrow night?” I said something like ya if you can go. He then mumbled some stuff about being really busy but it would be a nice break. The vibe between us has definitely changed I don’t quite understand it. Later he sounded kinda bored and I was like “don’t sound so excited Al” and he was like 

(yes I am a California girl I say “like” a lot) 

“oh I am excited!”okaaaay if you say so....

I did ask him who he played tennis with and ends up it was with a GIRL from our ward…not cool in my mind. No we are not exclusive but he “forgot” our plans, which may be true but I didn’t think he was really having dates with other girls. So I think we will have to have a talk tomorrow L Not something I really wanted I was hoping he would step up but I know he is a go with the flow kinda guy and I am a take charge kinda girl…it could work. My sister and I always said I needed to find someone chill like her and she needed a take charge kinda man like me. Well Al definitely falls into that category. Oh sigh….

Hard to be excited for tomorrow but I am a bit J