Life is Good!!!

I would say I have spent all and I mean all my life living for someday! I can honestly say since I was six years old and my baby brother was born (on my birthday) I have only wanted to be a mother. This knowledge only makes my situation in life so wrong. I remember hearing a story about a girl she was so goal oriented and she did everything exactly as she planned. She graduated from high school went to college served a mission and got married at the exact age she planned. This girl has haunted me for the past oh 10 years. I was never that ambitious. I never wanted to go to college, in high school I planned on being trained as a dental assistant and hoped that would sustain me till marriage. I never wanted to serve a mission because only girls who weren’t cute enough to be married by 21 did that but when I was 19 the Lord spoke to me and I knew a mission was in my future. I was not gonna be old like my mom (sorry mom) and not get married till I was 27 I was gonna be married at 21 at the latest so I could started popping out those babies I had dreamed about for so long. Baby names have been a favorite, hobby I guess you could say of mine and I bet there have been over 100 names I have loved, easy! I wanted 10 kids for the longest time.

So why this pitty party? Well I am done I can’t focus on any of this any longer and I cannot plan a future with so many uncertainties. I can only live for right now, today!

Every week I go through the same cycle with Al and he is clueless. I am so oh so very happy with what is happening between us and it hasn’t been rushed for the past 5 months and it doesn’t need to be rushed now. I freak out over wanting a boyfriend, a fiancé a husband but I cannot make that happen. It hasn’t worked for the past 12 years why would it work now. Worrying over it only hurts me and maybe could hurt what we have. I am so very grateful I never pushed him any more than I did. So many times I wanted to have a DTR with him which I believe would have been so very foolish.

Last night I think was one of our best runs. We ran around 7 miles and we had a great pace! Around mile 5 or 6 we ran sprints! Ow my butt hurt!!!! Lol! There has been a change in him and I like it. I think it was ever since I gave him my homemade card which I neglected to tell you all about. Mostly because it wasn’t my idea I stole it from gorgeous cousin Betty. She made a card for her husband on Valentine’s day she had printed a photo of a cartoon atronaut and cut out a picture of her face and glued it on then drew a picture of the moon and said “ I am over the moon for you” so cute! So when Al got his new job I did the same but wrote “ I am over the moon with excitement for you and your new job”. I was all shy when I gave it too him I have never given a guy something like that. But as we started our run last week he was telling me he was nervous and second guessing his decision but that he had talked to his friend and work and that made him feel better then I gave him that card and he just feels great now….awww well after that it started looking out for me more on our run and taking care of me. For the 7 mile run we actually run under the freeway now and it is kinda dark he was like are you sure you want to run there it is kinda shady. He wanted to be sure I was comfortable. Then this other part it is a hill we have to go down and it is covered with rocks, rocks that move. Now when we go he holds my hand and helps me down, didn’t do that before. Then we ran across a bridge and ran closest to the cars to protect me and this week I had gotten a pedicure and when my old nail polish was removed I discovered my poor toes are black and blue under the nails! So when we ran down the mountain he wanted to walk to protect my toes. Any ways point is he is taking care of me and it is the sweetest. I am a little more vocal with the praise and letting him know what I like about him but he shows how he feels by these little acts of kindness.

Okay so we ran but my favorite part was on the mountain we had been up there a while watching the city life below. Oh how I love the city and I never thought I would say this but I adore the city I live in today (long story). Any ways he was freezing poor boy is skin and bones (must be rough) but I was perfectly fine. We watched the planes land and chatted then he sat next to me but kinda in front of me if that makes sense and I rested my chin his shoulder and put my arms around him and we just sat and listened to the city and the mountain. It was the most beautiful few minutes of my life. No talking, none was needed just closeness and pure bliss.

So how can I freak out? Life is so good! We have two dates already set up and I am sure there will be more in between.  Life is good….did I say that already lolz!

The Bachelor

So this summer I got bored and therefore got hooked on the Bachelorette. I loved it! So when the Bachelor started this season I was a little hesitant because ewww watching a man make out with a bunch of girls doesn’t appeal to me but I realized this summer that it is reality TV…so oh well. Well yesterday I had a migraine and it carried over to today so I stayed home from work which gave me time to catch up on the Bachelor. I feel so connected to this show. It is exactly where I am without all the serious talks like they have reassuring each other that there is a connection. I do feel Al and I have had some serious talks just not about each other.

These woman are crazy jealous and I see that as certain girls let Brad see this side of them what a turn off it is for him. I am so jealous right now I want to be exclusive with Al but we’re not and I know it has to be in his time and I am confident we can go there but yesterday at church I heard him talking about setting up a group date for our ward date auction! I don’t want him going on a date with another woman! I also know of another girl and maybe others who have feelings for him it definitely put me on edge.

Another way I feel connected to the show is Brad went on a date with Brit. It was a horrible date the two had no connection but they went cliff jumping and she was so scared but she had to do it right? Well she finally did and after he said how proud he was of her for doing it even though she was scared. Well I was terrified to do a front flip on our date I’ve never been adventurous like that. I never want to do anything that could cause harm or be out of control so after lots of reassurance I did it and I felt great. Al wants me to do everything so I have no regrets.

On the show you see the girls walls come up…I definitely felt this on Saturday night. I know he could be moving 45 minutes away so why would he start something with me….but then when he put his arm around me and the insecurities melted away…but for how long? Then we don’t see each other for a few days and they are back!

I just want to talk about all this with him but I don’t want to come off like any of the girls on the show. I hope Shawntel N. wins I think she has played it the coolest and let him in the most. I need to be like her….

Oh so tonight he meets the families and next Sunday two of my cousins and their spouses are coming over for dinner at my parents, is it time do I invite Al over too???

Thoughts?

Baby steps!

For the past 2 hours I have been trying to do homework but I can’t I am just to happy, excited, confused…and it goes on and on! So my last two runs with Al have been amazing we have ran 7 miles each time and up a mountain. I love our time on the mountain the most he pushes me and believes in me and won’t let me fail! It is cool to see me improving each week! When we got to the top this week we watched the planes land at the airport close by and we stared att he beautiful full moon.This week at the end during one of our long hugs, yes he held me a lot longer this time, each time it gets better. He said “welp see ya on Sunday”…pop goes another balloon! What is he thinking??? Arg! So I  said “Al why so far away can’t we see each other sooner? Say Friday or Saturday?” Boys!!! It was like a totally new idea to him! So we decided Saturday night we would celebrate his new job! Oh that is another whole story he got a new job iti si like 45 minutes away and now he wants to move out there to be closer so no commute! Uh HELLO!!!! So on our run we were talking about that and I never can remember exactly what I said but I said something to the effect of it would then be hard for us to see each other as often then I just started running hard and faster…I didn’t want tohave the conversation. I know I need to communicate better which is another topic we discussed and he admitted he was terrible at communication!

Any who the next day he texts me and says “well do you want to make it a date Saturday night (um kinda thought it was) Waldo and his date want to double!”. Well you know me a date is a date is a date I’ll take it! So Saturday night he picked me up and we went to his favorite restaurant Red Robin yum…. We met the other couple there. Al and I talked to each other and the other couple talked to each other most the night. I guess once our food came we talked more as a group it was just kinda funny. Then we went to Jump Street this place with ginormous trampolines. I am not gonna lie I wasn’t thrilled about this idea. Al and I had already been there together for a ward activity and I am almost 30….come on lol! Whatever… so we jumped and it was a lot of fun. After lots and LOTS of convincing I finally did a flip and Al jumped over me while I was standing! Crazy! Then Al drove me past his office building, well his office for the next 2 weeks at least and then we went to his place. He lives in a house with 3 or 4 other guys it was a totally nice house. We decided to play Phase 10. Now I think many of you know I hate games! I am pretty competitive and I hate to lose. So I would rather just not play games so I don’t have to be angry with anyone! BUT if we are gonna play we are gonna play right! They didn’t want to keep score!!! Well then that is just a big friggin waste of time don’tcha think??? He was adorable though all night trying to help everyone win and convince me that this is the best way to play. Arg! He did not convince me but we had fun. He said we are like ying and yang and that is why we work well together.  

So then it was 11:40 and the other girl was ready to go home so they left and Al and I decided to watch a movie! After 20 minutes of debating and a roommate even trying to help we settled on the Proposal. We sat on the couch like before super close but a little into the movie I put my head on his shoulder so then the arm went around the shoulder and we cuddled! My cousin ased me what kind of cuddle and which made me laugh. My head was on his chest his legs were over my legs we were totally intertwined and he was rubbing my arm so softly it tickled and I didn’t think I was ticklish. I can’t believe I’ve never done that before. All day long as I have thought about it my stomach does flip flops. I am falling hard!

Baby steps!

Running Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all!

Coincidence? I think not!

So this weekend has been great! Saturday after having just a great day and planning on going to the gym but not making it I texted Al at 8pm. Normally I would think about this idea all day long and debate it but it just came to me at 8 so I texted him and just asked what he was up too. Then I was kicking myself for putting it out there that I had nothing to do on a Saturday night. Well fortunately not too much time to worry about it he texted me back. Said he just went to dinner but just got home and was going to go running! Then he asked if I wanted to go too!!! Well I didn’t have to think twice about it so we met at our favorite place we call TTL 30 minutes later!

Another fantastic run this time we ran around the bigger part of the lake and THEN the mountain we love so much…not…well there is some love I guess, otherwise we wouldn’t keep running it right? So the total miles ran was 5 miles the pain was intense as was my breathing. Seriously this mountain goes straight up it is intense! Al is amazing he does not let me get away with slackin at all. He only keeps encouraging and helping me be better! He cracks me up we could be a ¼ of a mile away and he would say only 10 more feet. I would roll my eyes. When we got to the top I wanted ralph pretty bad it was, you guessed it…intense J Any ways this time we didn’t hike the rest of the way up but wnet and sat down at the lower out look it was so nice up there he pulled me close to him because he said I was warm. As we looed out to the city I rested my head on his shoulder. Sigh it was perfect…well almost ;)

Then we ran and hopped backward down the mountain (we had seen a dude hopping down backward on our way up and gave it a try! Fun). I was so beat. Last time when we got to the parking lot I said lets sprint and still had loads of energy to the car…this was not okay in Al’s mind so that is why we ran 2 more miles and then up the hardest part of the mountain this time and let me tell you I could not sprint at the end and I tried but muscles were tightening and I was in fear of a Charlie horse!

We ended up talking outside in the cold for another hour neither of us wanted to leave. I can confidently say that he didn’t either. When we finally had had enough of the cold he wrapped his arms around me and held me for long nice hug….sigh I wish it could have lasted forever.

Al!

So last night with Al was wonderful! Baby steps are happening and I like it! We watched I love Trouble it was hilarious to watch since it was made in 1994! But we watched it at my place and all I have is a love seat, with NO giant armrest in the middle! So ya we sat really close not really cuddling but it was nice!

A friend said to me today “oh that is good that you two sat close it means you were comfortable and you like him” I said to him I liked him since our first conversation way back in May at the ward campout. I thought “he is kinda a dork it is adorable” So not really the problem…I know I want to spend more time with him. He is one of the most positive, happy, hardworking, funny, intelligent people I know! I like him!

When Al got home he sent me a quick text and thanked me for the movie and wished me goodnight…he is sweet like that!