a thought...

Also kinda weird when I started this post there were just too many men to keep track…kinda slowing down here but I’m not complaining. For now.....

Yuck!

 So talked to Andy tonight he is feeling better and thinks he will be better next week so we can go out… I hate the situation he has put me in. I’ve got to tell him I am not interested which does not sound like fun but then I want to tell him I know he has been seeing his ex and that is not cool but then I don’t want to tell him a thing…drama, drama, drama! I wish I could catch him doing something rather than really just hear say…makes me less annoyed with the situation till I talk to other people. My friends are more annoyed with it than I.

In good news…..I like Al a lot!!!!! Aw he is just so fun and wonderful! I cannot wait to see him again. Maybe tomorrow night but definitely Friday morning for our run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Calm down and breath…..

Pretty sure you have realized this but patience is not one my virtues!

This weekend I let one thing, one tiny thing ruin my whole weekend. So Al and I went running Friday morning. I met at his apartment at 6am and off we went running towards the temple (quite the metaphor for my life). He had told me the run to the temple was uphill and he was right. It was a slight incline the whole way and I paid for it all weekend. As we got closer the sun was coming we could see it but just as the temple came into view the sky was full of brilliant colors. Purple, pink, orange and yellow. It was glorious and I am so glad I was able to see it. We walked around the temple for a much needed break but oh stopping makes it so much harder to start running again but we did. The run back was no fun, I was pooped but trying to look like I could do it. Which meant less talking from me but that is fine. Any ways I asked what he was up to the rest of the day he says “school project, work then a date”.

 He said it so casually I was so bummed. It was to an institute dance and I am pretty sure and everyone around me even said it when I brought it up but we are pretty sure a girl asked him. He is so busy right now I cannot imagine him thinking of even going…but I really don’t know for sure.  I talked to my sister after the run and cried a lot but I wasn’t even talking about him but I know that was the cause of it. Then I am driving to Cate’s house and one of my favorite songs comes on, “Last Christmas” by Wham no wait that is my favorite but it was actually the Glee version, not the point, but I started crying again and later cried at Cate’s house as well. Cate and I then had a crazy bad day….our moods were not really better till we ate dinner at like 8pm with her cute daughter at Applebees. It was just like the old days, just the three of us…sigh so fun.

So Saturday still grumpy. I just wanted, needed to know what was going on. Well he picked me up that night to go to our friend’s house where we made goofy videos for a Christmas party next week. It was fun, oay a lot of fun but just had that cloud over me. I knew I needed to let it go and let it be. I know Al will let me know if he isn’t feeling it. He would not lead me on so him wanted to be around me is great! Or at least that is how I should feel…but it is not.

Today at church we actually got to talk a bit…he is so fun and I am so proud of him he actually made a comment in my Sunday School class…he is kinda shy in that sense he likes to hear what others have to say and not share his thoughts but I was pretty happy about his input.

So then I text him after church because I never can talk to him afterwards he always has a ton of other people around him. My text just said “call me when you head home”. Well when he called me back I was already taking my lovely Sunday nap. So then I called him back and left a message seeing if he wanted to go to the temple lights later tonight since neither of us would be at FHE tomorrow. He never called or texted. So what do you think was going on in my crazy brain? “he listen to the message and did not want to so he just isn’t going to call me”.

I was wrong thankfully! He called me later tonight and he hadn’t seen my call (he is not a big phone person). Any hoodle we have plans to go in 2 weeks…I KNOW! Who makes plan for 2 weeks? This girl! All his big projects are this week and next week is graduation and his brother’s wedding so dude is busy I know this. We are still going running this week on Wednesday and Friday so I really feel like I can’t complain. We also are going to go to zoo lights that week…so I feel like he is interested or we wouldn’t be making plans 2 weeks out….right?

I just need to breath…..

So one more dilemma with a different guy remember Andy the 40 year old? Well he I am on good authority he is still talking to his ex and guess what she is allowed to see him. So refresher he just had back surgery last week and has been in a lot of pain for the past 3 months and although he calls me gorgeous and beautiful and flirts like he wants to be with me he won’t let me see him because he feels weak and doesn’t want me to see him that way. Any ways so apparently the ex wants him back and is trying to make it work but I don’t know what Andy thinks she is doing. Any ways the conclusion I have come to is he is playing both of us. Seriously if we were in a relationship what would happen if he was hurt again I would be banned from seeing him? It is hard I am too nice I know I just want to phase him out basically but he just had the surgery so I feel I can’t completely because we were friends first and he is going through a tough time but how do I get him to realize I’ve got other stuff going on? Ya know? It is just a weird situation!

Hmmmmm……….

.So you know what sucks? When you really like someone but they haven’t told you how they feel yet. He knows how I feel…fair? I think not. I know I am as impatient as they come.

So Al and I went running last night. Oh it was so late but we haven’t really hung out or talked, other than texting in a week and a half so there was no stopping me.  It also was the first time being around each other since me telling him I didn’t want to be put in the friend zone. It was a bit awkward but I think more for him than me. I could tell he was acting weird but once we started running it was over. We ran around a nearby lake, over and under some bridges that were lit up and the lights sparkled on the water. The water was very still, it was gorgeous. I know you are thinking who goes running late at night in the winter but the temperature was perfect. I was wearing a t-shirt and capris and he had on shorts and we were not cold till we had to stop! Seriously all day today I kept thinking about funny things he said or did and I couldn’t stop smiling. I have so much fun with him…but does he feel the same? Going into the run I was so tired I even had a headache but like I said nothing was going to stop me from seeing him. I felt great on the run but after 4 miles I was done and we were at the hilliest part. I started walking and he got behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders and started running. It was probably really funny to see. Once he would stop I would stop so he would do it again then he started massaging my shoulders as we ran up a hill!!! Hilarious but it felt good. Definitely the way to run, we should start a new trend….massage running! We finally started to cool down then we chatted for a while at our cars. I didn’t want to leave but it was sooooo late and I was beat.

I thought for sure today would be the worst day ever with my lack of sleep but it was a pretty great day and I cannot, CANNOT wait for our early morning run tomorrow. I am meeting him at his house and we are running 3.5 miles to the temple at sunrise….awwww so romantic (but probably just in my mind) then 3.5 miles back. What a great way to start the day!

What a difference a weekend makes...

I don’t even know where to begin I seem to have men popping up all over the place. Let’s see a friend texted me and asked if she could give a great family friend my number. I heard he is new in town and 32ish and so great ….we’ll see . Then there is a guy I am going to call Andy Bernard! He is someone I have known for 4 years now. We briefly dated 3 years ago but I think I freaked out for the past 3 years I tried to convince myself it wasn’t so but it is true! He is not a member of my faith he is 11 years older than me and I have never been in a relationship, which equates to freaked out, out of my mind. We didn’t talk much over the following years and he loves to make me feel bad about it every chance he gets. I couldn’t talk to him mostly because whenever we did I felt terrible. I could tell in his eyes how much he liked me and it hurt. So any hoodle (ya that just happened) recent events have transpired, I thought he broke up with his girlfriend to be with me but it has just been a long mess. He hurt his back and is having surgery this week.  Long story short he doesn’t want me to see him in the pain he is in but his ex-girlfriend can apparently and any other friend of his but nope not me. Secretly hoping when he is all recovered I will be dating someone exclusively so I can say “you took too long...so sad too bad” I know I am mean but what the heck???

Al update…there isn’t much. I went to my parents for the holiday weekend and he went to his. We texted a bit he mentioned having a story to tell me next time we saw each other and also talked about our next run but we didn’t get to chat at church because he is a busy man being the elders Quorum President and all…sigh. Hurting my heart waiting…

Then there is who we will call Troy, you know from Community? Love him!

So this guy Troy and I have known each other since oh August. We have chatted a couple times but nothing too exciting. Now I promised to be honest in this blog so I have to tell you all my thought. This guy is great he is fun to talk to and just a great guy but he has terrible teeth. Shallow I know and I have liked many a different looking dudes but this might be a deal breaker but I am trying to keep an open mind. So remember the night Al stole the girl’s seat to sit by me well we were at Troy’s house. Troy and I were the only ones who had seen 500 Days of Summer.  A great movie I might add. So on Sunday he and I had a little conversation about how much we love the reality vs expectations scene in the movie. Where they do a side by side viewing of the main characters expectations of the night but then on the other side it showed what in reality happened. So many times in life I head off on a date or to a party just knowing this is the night that is gonna be magical, romantical and all that jazz and this is how it will play out and without a fail it never works out!

So when Tuesday rolled around and Al didn’t have a response for my question of are we gonna be more than friends I texted Troy and said “I just had one of those reality/expectations moments and it bombed” he said “Ah man bummer! But perhaps you can have a bit of fun imagining it put into a film side by side! But ya that always sucks” (cute) So any ways Saturday night rolls around and he text me “Yo you in town” (very gentlemen like) and I guess he wanted to invite me to an Italian themed night…not clear if it was a date or a group of people but cool. I couldn’t go my family had Christmas early…yes in November.  So Sunday rolls around my sister Kristen came with me and in Sunday school I left a seat empty next to me in hopes of Al joining me but instead Troy beat him too it. He flirted and was silly. I really haven’t experienced that much it was way fun and we talked about how he doesn’t take naps.

Cut to after my Sunday nap I text him and tell him how great my nap was he text me back and says he was just going to text me he actually took one as well…more flirting and I am in shock…where are these boys coming from? And it is so fun but it still so lonely none are progressing and is there hope?

I know my answer should be yes and in relief Society yesterday I preached of hope but it is sooooooooo hard let me tell you! I know we all have our struggles and I know it is nice to read about others…so hope you enjoyed my newest rant

Tim "the tool man" Taylor where are you?

     I love having a "top 10" or even a "top 5" list. I love having favorites! TV is a favorite pass time. I grew up on it. I was a latch key kid and therefore could not play outside till mom and dad were home. That was the hardest when we had a pool all summer just outside our door...sigh. I digress I found an auto biography I wrote in 6th grade and my favorite show was Home Improvement. I still to this day could watch that show all day long and Tim is my dream husband. He was a man and loved doing manly things ar,ur,oh oh oh (he he). Ya he broke a lot of things and always messed up when it came to his wife but some how in his crazy way he always fixed it. I loved his interpretations of Wilson's noble advise from over the fence and the way he always ended up showing his love to his family. I dream of having this someday minus the hot tub going througha  window or the car being smashe by a huge pole but the relationship that is what was so great.
And yes I know it is fake!
     So this morning I wanted to write a completely different blog, It is amazing how much can change in 10 hours of work. Hmmm I think I will call this guy Al I want him to be my Tim but for now Al works. It fits him more he is the nicest guy you will meet and looks out for those around him. Has a great sense of humor and fortunately does not have the same style as Al though....no plaid shirt, yet! We met last January but for the longest time I could never tell him or his brother apart. I don't really remember the first time we talked but it was around the summer I started seeing him more and then sometime in August I believe we became friends. We both are runners and had decided to run a half marathon.All of our conversation were about running. Then one day he started hugging me when he saw me. This is significant for me as I grew up not a hugger and struggle with people touching me or wanting to touch people. Hugging is especially hard I hate initiating them but I have grown to love receiving them, of course it depends on who it is from ;) His hugs are AmAzInG! Then after lots of us saying lets run together we finally started on Friday morning at 5:30am. **Yawn** First run was 4 miles and the next weeks we did six but Al was amazing (have i mention that yet?) he would run 3 miles to my place, run 6 miles with me then run 3 miles home and do an extra mile so he ran a total of 13 miles. Crazy!!!! I am a talker so I did a  lot of talking during our runs till I would get out of breath then I made him tell stories. He said he loves my stories they were pretty cool and ranged from the suspicious death of a Catholic priest to my cousin having no rattle snake venom in him after being bit by a baby rattler to a story of a 4 year old waving hi to a bearded man who looked like Santa Clause. We talked about our families, school and work and really have gotten to know each other over the past few months. 3 weeks ago I had tickets to a concert with my best friend and her husband. I hesitated asking Al because I really liked him and usually when I ask a guy out that is the end of it and I did not want this to be so with hi, Alas everyone else was busy so I called him up and oh he was so cute and said yes.
      The day of the date I ran around trying to find the perfect outfit and I did! Sexy jeans, red heels a ruffly gray blouse with a  black cardigan over it. I did my hair crazy curly and wore my favorite necklace made by my grandpa. Makeup was perfect and I smelled of vanilla. I was really worried my best friend....lets call her Cate had chosen a pricey restaurant for her birthday dinner. Normally I would be fine but since I had a date I knew he would want to pay but I felt bad blind siding him with an expensive bill. So I texted him and just told him what was up and said lets just go dutch. I knew he wouldn't agree to it but I wanted him to know up front. He texted me back and said that he would like to pay for my meal if I would let him. Awwww!
     Al picked me up right on time and we ended down town. Cate was positive we wouldn't need reservations because they were never busy. Guess what they were busy it was Harley night down town which made for quite the people watching experience. We went across the street to the Thai place also packed but there were street vendors so we had some delicious chicken on a stick and some egg roles. Filled me up. Al is very chill and go with the flow it was fun just walking around together chatting and laughing. Then off to the concert which was sooooo fun. He had never heard of the group but I knew every song! He made friends with the people to our left and laughed as I danced and screamed with the crowd. When it was over I did something I have never done I grabbed his arm as we walked to the car. He slowed our walk down and we just talked it was fantastical. When he walked me to the door he gave me the BEST hug yet and after he left I could still feel him holding on to me and it gave me chills.
     Just for a time reference this was before the blind date in the last post so you can start to see my confusion in life.
     Since that night we have ran twice. My favorite run was at night around a lake and the bridges were lit up with lights it was very romantic even through my labored breathing. This last week brought about lots of texting and hanging out. We went to a friends house and watched Elf as research for our ward Christmas party. Then he invites me over Friday night and we watched a movie oh but get this. So I was so excited to watch a movie with him and hopefully cuddle a bit and I get to his apartment and his couch is basically two recliners with a HUGE arm rest/table in the middle. Pop went that balloon! But it was fun we talked for a while afterward and had a lot of fun. The next day we had a ward activity it was a blast, three words, dodge ball trampolines, nuf said! Now this part is my  interpretation so who knows if he did this on purpose but we went to a friends house it was 4 girls and 2 guys. Al and i were the last to walk in. We had driven seperatly and all the girls were on the couch there was one spot left there and one recliner open. Allie got up to look at the movies and Al (remember the nicest guy I couldn't believe he did this) stole her seat...I am thinking so we can sit together. I mean what guy doesn't take the recliner..am I right?
     So here is where we are now and the most interesting part. I have a TON of guy friends. Cate will tell you it is ridiculous. I do not know how it happens but it does and I am tired of getting put in the "friends zone". Al and I were texting (dangerous I know) Monday night. I was so happy he texted me the second I was out of class. In my mind that means there could be interest that he was keeping track of the time to talk to me. Maybe that's just me. So as he text me good night I text him and ask "Al is there a possibility we could be more than friends? my track record shows I always am put in the friend zone and i do not want that to happen with you" Bold I know and maybe I shouldn't have done it maybe I should have. Still finding out the answer but a HALF HOUR later he text me and says "Madison to be honest, I don't know how to answer that" I took it rather well when I got it. He is graduating in December and spends all his time on homework. Seriously every night till ten so I know he doesn't have time for more than I have been getting. I told him that is fair but if he decided we can't be more than friends to let me know and I don't want to get in his way at right now when he is so close to being done. Very mature right. Well I went to bed feeling fine but when I woke up in the morning I was a wreck. I felt dumb and let down. to make it worse he didn't text me all day Tuesday and it wasn't till 2:11pm on Wednesday that he sent me this "Madison!! Sorry I didn't get a chance to text you yesterday, lots to do. Are you ready for the turkey trot tomorrow?" sigh....all is well.
     So you see my blog this morning would have been very angry and sad but I am content right now. I don't know what he is thinking but he is not giving up and I like that! I am hopeful once again!

Here it goes...

     So I know everyone blogs but usually it only about the fun things in life! Love can be fun when you find the right person but this is going to be a real girls journey for love.This blog is real. It is about me and my "love" life or lack there of for that matter. I am 29 years old and have never been kissed. Yup you read that right NEVER been kissed. NEVER held a guys hand, NEVER cuddled during a movie nothing! 2nd dates rarely come around and even then it is with men I have been friends with for a while but nothing progresses.
     Now I know what you are thinking she must be really ugly, or smell or be a downer to be around or a lot of other negative things but I am not! Ask my friends,oh wait I am keeping this anonymous, okay then just trust me! I am actually a pretty cute girl, I run, practice yoga, love photography, my family, friends and kids. Huh oh there I said it I love kids, maybe too much for some people. My dream in life since I was 6 years old was to be a mom. I never thought about going to college and getting a degree and ever entering the work force but alas that is all I have been able to do for the past 11 years. I dreamed of being married at 21 and having 3.5 kids by now. Many say that is my problem I want it too bad but did anyone ever tell Mariah Carey , "you know hun, maybe you should stop thinking about becoming a famous singer and then it will happen, then you will get your big break". Come on people I cannot just stop thinking about it, I can't and why should I? I always hear it will happen when you least expect it....really people I'm at the point now I just think it will never happen. If no one has wanted to be close to me before, how can it change.It is sad to lose the hope but I think as you read about my experiences you will see where I am coming from. My stories entertain my married friends, single friends and all in between to no end they are intrigued as well as stumped. 
     Hmmm so where to start? Lately I have been balancing 3 different men and when I say balancing I mean texting. I have been on a date with all three and one dropped out pretty quickly, sadly I'll start there. One of my close friends met him at her place of work. I think she had a little crush on him but since she is married she thought of me! S she texted me immediately and asked if she could give him my number. I was like why not! This was a Friday and amazingly enough he called me Monday! Amazing I thought, most guys I have tried to set up on blind dates these days demand to see pictures of my friends or take the number and never call but he didn't even ask about my looks and called me, points for him! We chatted a bit and set up a date for Saturday night! I did not want to get my hopes up with him so I stayed focused on my two other guys as the week passed. He called me early on Saturday to make sure we were good to go and we talked quite a bit, It was easy and fun! Oooo this boy is good looking, I was pretty happy when I opened my door that night. He was so nervous I had given him a fake address or something. He had never been on a blind date before. 
     The conversation was easy and fun. At dinner we talked and laughed about our families, friends, embarrassing moments, our time spent in different countries serving missions for our church, books and religion, it was awesome. Seriously my best date ever! There were times out food was in front of us but neither of us were eating because we were so intrigues by the conversation.  I made him laugh out loud a couple time which I always love to do. He ordered Prime rib just so I could try it. He was great...so he took me home after dinner. I was a little sad it was still kind of early but what do ya do? So he walked me to the door and we stood and talked for a minute. It was so awkward because the angle we were standing at the light was behind him so I could barely see his face. Then it is hug time...awkward! lol he even stepped on my toes..whatev! Then he says "I had a great time, I guess I'll call you..." I say "that would be great!" and he leaves....welp it has been a week and a half and I've heard nothing from him...
      So as always this leaves me wondering what went wrong? Any ideas?